Saturday, August 15, 2009

Apparently, I'm in love with Jessica Simpson.

I'm not really sure how it happened, either. Okay, let me explain. It's been a terrible week for me. There have actually been some good parts, but it's the crap that I recall the most. First, my car rolled over 100,000 miles. I know, doesn't sound drastic, but I had a Certified Saab, which is covered for 100,000 miles. So my warranty is up. And my axle is leaking now. Of course. The next day, I broke my favorite wine glass. I have one left, but really, what good is one wine glass? They are crystal, and I bought them as a 21st birthday gift to myself. Strange that they lasted me almost exactly ten years? Oh well, what can you do? Thursday, I drove the Husband's truck to work. Upon jumping out of the driver's seat, I broke the heel to my red shoes. Truth be told, I only liked that they were red. I think they were a little dowdy, but they were the right price at the right time. More than a year ago. So I had to go out on lunch and buy a new pair of shoes. Enter a pair of adorable Jessica Simpson booties. I couldn't find a photo, and I don't feel like dragging out the camera, as my ass has made a perfect indentation in the couch. Now, I don't usually give a second glance, but they were really cute. They're a beautiful black leather, and really, she loves Louboutins, so they can't be that bad, right? They're actually built much like Louboutins, where the platform is hidden inside the shoe, so the heel isn't so ridiculous. Because as much as I love a 4" heel, those who know me know that my gracefulness usually shows through at the perfect time. It's this reason that I have sworn I will no longer buy cuffed dress pants. Anywho, I'm at DSW, and these shoes are on the sale rack. I had to do the math three times to make sure I didn't screw up, these shoes ended up being $21.00. Seriously. Actually, it looks like there's something (paint?) on the inside of one of the heels, but I have some black shoe polish that I am sure will take care of business. If not, I have tons of Sharpies. But let's be honest, I am going to kill these shoes sooner or later, so why not buy them with a flaw? Then I won't be so upset the first time I trip over a curb. You should have seen me, though, I was all "hide them so no one else will take the box while I'm still shopping." I ended up going back on Friday to purchase a pair of Nine West 3" black heels, a staple I've sorely been missing in my wardrobe. I digress. Let's back up to Wednesday. I shuffle the kidlets out of the house and am herding them into the car. My sunglasses are on my head, and I go to buckle the son in. And whack my head on the door frame. And crack my glasses. My Oakley XS Fives (yes, they are kids, stop laughing) that I've had for six years. I've always bought Oakleys since I was in high school. They always had a smaller face frame that fits me well. Because honestly, I have a narrow head and really can wear kids glasses. And I've gotten used to their brown iridium lens. Tear. Actually, it hurt really bad. So today, I stopped at the Outlets to check out the Oakley Vault. And to stop by the Vans Outlet to get the son a new pair of kicks—only to find they were closed. Sigh. I found a pair of Oakleys I liked, but not a pair that I love. I'm picky, I like tortoiseshell glasses, as I think black frames are too severe for my skin tone. And the styles out right now for women don't ususally fit on my face. I look like I'm trying to fit in my mother's oversized glasses playing dress up. Or I look like a fly. We leave and head to the mall. I park at Macy's, and we walk in to accessories and Coach. I peel myself away from drooling on the new Parker bag and peruse the sunglasses, not expecting to find much. And in the end, I fell in lust with these: They are adorable, no? A pair of slightly rounded, narrow-fitting Jessica Simpson sunglasses with brown lenses. It was love at first sight. But I didn't buy them. Yet. They weren't on sale, they were $45. EVERY other pair was, except the JS ones. Of course. So I asked the lady in the Coach section (I was told they were the only saleswomen who could help) if by chance she had a coupon I could use. She turned on the attitude and was all, "Uh, no. We mail those out to our PREFERRED customers." I felt like I was suddenly at a Mercedes dealership asking if they could cut me a deal on an AMG, cause I'm on a budget. WTF??? My mother shops at Macy's quite often. Her favorite thing to do is go home and add up what her purchases should have cost her, since she uses specialty coupons and apparently holds the cashier hostage until she's paid only $23.47 for approximately $679.65 worth of accoutrements. Usually, if they have a coupon out, they will just scan one for you. Normally, I make sure I'm near an old lady while I'm asking because you know they have like six extras and will lend you one. Instead, here I stand, facing Cruella. She simply places them on the counter in front of me like she's teasing, leans against the back of the opposite counter, looks at me and says, "well, you can open a Macy's account, you'll get 15% off, and make payments on these glasses. I resist the urge to choke her. I don't want to make payments, I want 30% off, like every single other pair! I look up and realize that my children have tried on every Sunday's best hat and have left them on the floor, and are running around with berets on their heads. I look straight at her and say, "Daughter, Son, let's go, we're going home!" Because it would be a shame to pinch this woman's head off and risk getting that beautiful white leather bag dirty behind her. Incase you're in shock, I'm not the type that leaves my kids' mess behind. Matter of fact, when we go out to eat, the Husband tries to remind me that I am no longer a waitress and need to stop stacking, scraping, and aligning all the table items for easy pick-up. But this woman is lucky I didn't strangle her with a removable shoulder strap.

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