Dear Fellow Gym Member,

I don't feel that I should really have to write a post on gym etiquette. It's been done too many times. However, today? You have really pissed me off. First of all, they make lockers that are kept in rooms called locker rooms. Go put your bag there instead of rifling through it every two minutes. And if I trip on the handle again because you insist on leaving it somewhere inappropriate, I am going to hurl it.

Second, stop staring at the women working out. Yes, we lift weights, too. Apparently more than you. But this ogre-like behavior? Will not land you any dates. And I'm pretty sure the girl you've walked past five time to stare at her ass yet again doesn't bat for your team. Leave her alone and wipe the drool off your mouth.

Lastly, just because you intend on using a piece of equipment does not mean you own it. Yes, I like the inverted leg press. Girls can use those machines, too. So when you stack 75lbs of weight discs on each side and then proceed to talk on your cell phone while pacing worse than my Husband, you need to get your show on the road. Just so you know, I used three other pieces of equipment, did my proper 3 sets of 16 reps, you finally sat down to attempt to lift all this weight you have now stacked up. Oh, wait, did you forget the main plate weighs 115 lbs? Yeah. That's what that big sticker says on it. And if you even try to make me think you've lifted anywhere near the 265 lbs you are now struggling to press, you must be out of your tree, because no one works out in "windpants" anymore and you? Just look like an asshat. Which is further proven when after two more phone calls, you left all that weight on your machine and didn't rerack it. You're not that important, so hang up the damn phone. Also? No one wants to sit in your butt sweat, so like the sign says, wipe down the machine when you're done.

I may be a novice to the gym, but just so we're clear, struggling through three "reps" of insane weight which is clearly too heavy for you and circling the gym four times to check out the ladies does not constitute a good workout. How you're sweating like a pig, I'm not sure. And next time you try to comment to me how you're feelin' your workout, try not to spit on me. Because apparently, I can lift more weight than you.*

K? Thanks,
—the mama (who was not in fact in red today, but purple instead)


*Umm, no, I can't do the 275 lbs with the inverted leg press. But I didn't drop the weight discs, either. And I did three full sets. Just so you know. =)